


Poison Joke

by LadyThrimbletrimmer



Category: DCU, DCU (Animated)
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Food mention, Love Confessions, Mutual Admiration, POV Third Person Limited, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, alcohol mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-03-29 01:01:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3876469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyThrimbletrimmer/pseuds/LadyThrimbletrimmer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harley drags Ivy down to supervillain board game night, and a surprise visitor gets the two talking about each other.<br/>Guest featuring Scarecrow and Mad Hatter.  No sex, multiple feelings.  Not a particularly new take on the pairing, but it's serviceable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Poison Joke: A Harley/Ivy Fluff Piece

 

“Hey Straw, trade ya my two sheep fer your two bricks”

“I say no deal, although I would accept trading two of my clay for two wool and a lumber.”

“Push him off, Quin.”

“I know that, Red. But it’s not like Hats is gonna let up on me.”

“Why Miss Quinzel, that suggestion is impossibly plausible.”

  
Gotham’s criminal camaraderie is legendary. Dozens of personalities, each one as vibrant as a hand grenade. They all survive the same few miles thanks to a few simple rules. One of these is game night, every other Thursday in the warehouses down by the river. While you’re at game night, nobody touches your lab, none of your henchmen get mind-controlled, hell you could set up a neon sign to your safehouse and everybody would just keep walking. Batman himself knows the rule, although out of courtesy they usually give him an excuse not to show up. Tonight Jervis had called in a favor from ol’ Eddie Nigma, and by now the Bat was pondering green paint slathered over some computer lab even while Dr. Crane was opening a bag of pretzels.

  
Tonight it was the four of them; Jervis Tetch, Johnathan Crane, Pamela Isely, and Harleen Quinzel. Between them they had at least four PhDs, a full filing cabinet at Arkham Asylum, and probably a dozen bodies in the river, and yet here they were arguing over a board game like teenagers in the basement.

  
Poison Ivy rarely came to these nights, but Harley had dragged her along. Even though the jester was basically freeloading at Ivy’s place, Pamela made a point of never telling her what to do.

  
Pamela wasn’t particularly fond of Scarecrow or Hatter. Crane’s drawl was like someone flicking her in the ear, and whenever Tetch said the word Alice it made Ivy want to spit. But Harley thought they were a riot, and four hours without her giggling was a year’s worth of winter. Pamela suddenly noticed that she was staring at Harley, who was talking about her.

  
“Ya know, Straw, Red has this real sweet setup for mixin’ her mojo. It’s like a greenhouse crossed with a car factory.”

“Hmm. Would that be Anthophobia or Mechanophobia?”

“I’d actually call it Wiccaphobia.” Harley was giggling softly. “Red’s a genuine wicked witch right out of Oz, green skin and frekkin’ gorgeous red hair.”

Ivy made a small exasperated sigh as she tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. That lightweight was clearly bursting with cider.

“While we are admiring Miss Isely,” said Tetch in that sing-song sandpaper tone, “I wish to state my profound respect for your compliance-inducing dosages. Surely a kiss gives one practically a microteaspoon, and yet they obey for multiple half-hours.”

“It varies on their weight,” said Ivy, “and on how much testosterone they have. That’s what activates the toxins, you see.” It took Pamela a moment to remember her manners. “And thank you, Hatter. I also respect how your hats can make a person obedient nearly instantly for as long as you require, although” she could feel the snide remark but couldn’t stop herself “although I prefer not to lose my minions in a stiff breeze.”

“Oh, but we must have hats or else it’s not a party!” said Hatter happily. Pamela quietly sighed in relief. Usually she was delighted to start arguments, and she had some choice things to say about Lewis Carrol, but it was vitally important that Harley enjoy the evening.

  
The game continued, but the conversation inevitably drifted back to the subject of mind control. The discussion was intense. Harley was flushed pink, and Crane was clearly sweating.

“You keep twisting my words!” said Harley. “I agree that fear is important to the human psychological makeup, but it’s nowhere near as essential as you insist.”

“Oh, so what’s more important?” said Crane, “and if you say love then I just might vomit.”

“There’s no one single thing that makes us what we are!” said Harley, slamming her cards onto the table. “A mind is an ever-shifting network of systems both mental and physiological. Insisting that fear or any other single part of psychology is ‘the key’ is like saying that the Mediterranean Sea is ‘the key’ to understanding everything there is to know about water.”

“CHANGE PLACES!” said Jervis. The other three glared at him. He shrugged. “I’ve heard that sometimes people switch sides in a debate, just to keep it fresh. Thought it was worth a try.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Pamela. “If I did that, I’d just make a weak argument so the side I agreed with would be proven correct.”

“I’ve seen it done” came a voice from the door. The four criminals turned sharply. It was dark in the warehouse, despite with the portable lamp on the table. Yet even in that dull florescent glow, and though the figure in the door was wearing a long coat, they all recognized the glint of metal on her forehead and wrists.

“Sorry to barge in like this,” said Wonder Woman, stepping into the light. She held up a paper bag. “I brought chips. Oh, and…” the criminals flinched as she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a small clay pot.

“Relax. It’s hummus.” She opened the pot to show them. “I just got back from a visit to Themiscyra, and Mother always insists I take some along when I return to the world of Man.”

The Amazon placed the pot on the table just to the side of the game board, then pulled up a chair and sat down next to Harley. Pamela could hear Harley’s heart pounding, smell Jervis and Crane sweating. Oddly, Pamela herself felt fearless, but rather hard and steadfast as a thorn.

Wonder Woman opened the bag of chips and offered it to Harley. “I insist.” Slowly Harley took a chip and dipped it into the clay pot. Pamela could see Harley’s hand trembling as she bit down. Suddenly the trembling stopped. Harley’s eyes were wide. Everyone at that table knew that Diana of Themyscira was perfectly willing to kill her enemies. Pamela tried racking her brain for poisons from Greece, although her hands merely curled into fists.

  
“Oh my god” said Harley, her mouth full. In a blink she snatched another chip out of the bag and was shoveling more of the dip into her mouth. “You guys have to try this. Right now, before I eat it all.”

Wonder Woman gave a gentle laugh, and the villains relaxed. Jervis took a sizeable scoop, Crane a polite taste. Harley held a chip up to Pamela’s face, piled high with more hummus than Ivy would have liked.

“Trust me, Red, it’s phenomenal.” With Harley grinning that big, the only word was yes. Pamela opened her mouth and Harley popped the chip straight in. The redhead made one of those ‘I’m doing this for you’ smiles that quickly gave way to a look of genuine awe. She always ate just to survive, but this was the taste of being truly alive.

  
“Personally I prefer guacamole” said Diana, taking a gentle bite that nonetheless showered her in crumbs. “There’s a Tex-Mex place in Metropolis where some of the League meets for lunch and it’s pretty great, but for the absolute best you need to visit Orizaba down in Veracruz.”

“I take it you travel a lot?” said Jervis, as though he wasn’t talking to someone who would earn a medal for tearing out his arms.

“Absolutely” Wonder Woman replied. “It’s a big world you have out here, how could I stay in just one city?"

“Still, you must enjoy returning to your island every now and again,” said Crane, wiping a dollop off of his threadbare vest.

Diana shrugged. “It’s home, for everything the word means.”

“What’s it like?” Harley pushed the jar away in a gesture of restraint, and it ended up right in front of Pamela’s suddenly watering mouth. She took another chip as Wonder Woman described the island, its lush forests and blossoming flowers, the smell of honey always in the air, and the serene rhythm of the sea.

“How could you leave?” asked Pamela, amazed. “I’d give anything for just a day in a place as beautiful as that.”

“It all comes down to how you understand beauty,” said Diana, yawning and stretching her arms. “You, Miss Pamela Isely, you see beauty in plants, in their grace and subtle strength. Superman sees beauty in people, how they treat each other and teach each other to grow. Batman sees beauty in redemption, which he understands to mean justice.”

“An Alice for each of us,” said Jervis, at which Pamela rolled her eyes.

“So where do you see beauty?” said Harley.

The Amazon looked at Harley, then back and forth between her and Crane. “You two are psychologists, care to take a guess?”

Scarecrow coughed. “That’s a little outside my field” he said, noticeably not looking at Jervis. But Pamela’s attention was entirely on Harley. She wasn't in a position to see Harley’s face, but she knew exactly what it looked like.

This was one of those treasured moments with Dr. Quinzel, the woman captivated by the glittering shards of strange minds. Pamela could almost feel the gears turning in the woman’s head, recalling every scrap of information about Wonder Woman. Ambassador from Paradise, a woman richer than Bruce Wayne, able to hold her own in a fistfight with gods and yet who walked into a nest of vipers with nothing but homemade hummus and a bag of fair-trade corn chips.

  
“Empathy,” Harley said at last. “You see beauty where everybody else sees it, and since everybody sees beauty differently…”

“…I see everything as beautiful.” Wonder Woman nodded to Harley, then she stood up. “I came by to tell you that Batman will be out of town for a while. In the meantime I am staying in the hotel across the street from the UN building. For reference, it will take me three minutes to fly back there from this warehouse, and no more than eight minutes to get from there to anywhere in Gotham. For the next week I suggest that you all take it easy on crime and encourage all the other super-criminals to do the same, or else you’ll end up like Edward Nigma.”

“What did ya do to Riddles?” asked Harley, suddenly terrified.

From the door, Diana made eye contact with Harley for a long moment before giving them all a cruel grin. “I made him pay for those corn chips before I took him back to Arkham.” She walked out, and the door closed behind her.

* * *

 

Wonder Woman’s hummus was long since gone when the four super-criminals called the evening to a close. Jervis and Crane headed north, while Harley and Pamela linked arms and strode east. It was technically spring now, but at this time of night the wind was still heavy with winter. Harley was giggling as she swayed back and forth on their walk, still drunk on cider.

“Hey Red, wasn’t that dip so great? We should hang out with Wondie more often!”

“We weren’t hanging out, she came to threaten us!”

“Ya call that threatening? I’ve threatened people before, and I never gave em chips. Maybe I should. Maybe next time you need to steal a fichus or whatever, I can pass out little snack bags.”

“We’re not stealing anything while Wonder Woman is watching Gotham.”

“She said she’s only here for a week, we just gotta wait her out. I’m not going anywhere.”

“…Promise?”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me.”

“Promise you’ll stick with me, at least a little longer?”

“Of course I will, Red. You’re the best.”

“Thanks, Harley. You’re the best.”

The two of them walk in silence for a ways. Harley thinks about the evening, and how the cold wind and the garbage bags piled on the sidewalk and the world full of people happy to throw her in jail, none of that matters to her in the slightest. She nudges Pam.

“I’ll say this for Wondie, she seems to have you figured out.”

“She doesn’t know me.”

“Yeah she does. She has you wrapped around the finger.”

“It’s just the smart thing to do. Neither of us can go head-to-head with her, but so long as we keep quiet she’ll leave us alone. So we stay quiet.”

“Sure.”

“Catch up on some experiments.”

“Right.”

“Clean up the safehouse.”

“I believe you.”

“Smack that sarcastic mouth right off your chipmunk face.”

Harley laughed. Pamela could be hysterical when she relaxed. She was always so stiff. Harley could see it even when Pam was putting on that slinky sultry facade, an underlying tension like she just didn’t trust anybody. But times like this, it was nice seeing a genuine smile.

“So what was Wondie saying about plants?”

“That I like them?”

“You do? I couldn’t guess. No, I meant that thing about subtle strength, what did that mean?”

“Well, when you’re walking somewhere, you know how there’s cracks in the sidewalk?”

“Yeah.”

“And sometimes there’s grass or dandelions or something growing out through the cracks.”

“Oh yeah.”

“That’s what she was talking about, that strength to keep going. Because it’s supposed to be that they lay down the concrete and that’s the end of it, but the plants keep going. And sooner or later people stop laying down concrete, and then the plants take over. I like that a lot, the strength to carry on even when someone tries to crush you. That’s part of why I admire you, Harley.”

“You admire me?”

“Of course I do. You don’t stop for anybody.”

“Nah, Pam, that’s your thing, not mine. You know what you want and you’re going for it. You love plants, so you’re going to get all the different plants that you can find and keep them healthy. That’s great! That’s a real goal. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing with my life.”

“Harley…”

“I like figuring out people, so I decide to try psychology. But then that went out the window so I could be a jester sidekick? And now I’m your sidekick, but I’m still doing the jester thing? That doesn’t really work, but I’m not gonna start dressing like a butterfly.”

“Harley you’re not my sidekick.”

“Pam, that’s all I’m good for. I watch cartoons, I eat sugar out of the box, I make jokes while my best friend does the important fighting. I’m a kid sidekick.”

“Harley, listen. I’ve seen Joker try and beat you down, I’ve seen Batman tell you off, I bet that all sorts of awful people have been trying to bring you down for years. But tonight, there you were, matching wits with Scarecrow and staring down Wonder Woman herself. Harlene, you are incredible.”

“Pam, you’re the best person I’ve ever had in my life.”

They had stopped walking now.  Somewhere miles away was the sound of a subway car, of a dog barking, of people shouting.  That was miles away from where they were right now.

“Pamela, I’d like to kiss you if that’s okay.”

“It’s been okay since we met.”

And for the moment the cold wind and garbage sidewalks and the entire rest of the world falls away and there’s only the two of them, two bright flowers blooming out of the cracks in the sidewalk with the smell of honey in the air.

Eventually they start walking again, Harley’s warm arm on Pamela’s shoulder.

“So Harley, I’m curious about where you find beauty.”

“Right here.”

Pamela smiles. “Thanks. But I was hoping for something like how you were pondering Wonder Woman back there. The psychoanalyst stuff.”

“Hmm. I guess I like a rush, you know? Like when the lights go down in a movie theater, or at the weightless peak of a roller coaster. It’s not just the adrenaline, it’s the anticipation. Like, looking out your window one morning and all the trees are bright green with flowers.”

“Springtime. It’s always the best.”

"You know it."


	2. Irritant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Game Night again. Harley and Ivy bring out the mad scientist in each other. Catwoman points out a big green-and-purple problem.

The soft machinery of spring whirred steadily in Gotham City.

It was game night again. Selina Kyle had convinced Riddler, Scarecrow, Hatter, Ivy, and Harley to play her game. It involved weird dice and rules that only got more complicated with explanations. Selina had promised dragons. So far they had progressed through elaborate described dungeon corridors full of skeletons.

Pamela couldn't pay attention. Not with Harleen cuddled up in her lap, discrete as a steamroller. Anyway, Harley already understood the game and was playing for both of their characters.

Harley hadn't played this game since grad school, but now she was back in her stride. The only thing sweeter than those big numbers was Pam's gentle hand on her thigh.

"So, none of you have felt brave enough to go toe to toe with Wonder Woman." Selina loved to state plain what others tiptoed around. It infuriated people like Nigma, who always have to be the smartest in the room.

"Please," said Riddler, rolling his eyes. "I already have a dozen plans. I just need the right materials."

"Oh well absotively!" chortled Hatter. "But on my person I have stored all the tricks I would need."

Riddler smirked. "What, a fancy mind-zapping tiara?"

"No. My brownest pants."

Harleen and Selina laughed out loud, Pamela chuckled.

"I have tried dosing her with fear gas before," said Scarecrow. "She started yelling about her island sinking. Then she broke my arm." He shrugged. "I am content to lay low until she is out of the city."

"You say that, but what if she's here to stay?" Catwoman took a sip from her little pink travel cocktail. "Maybe she's taking over."

"Nah, that ain't Wondie," said Harley. "She's all jet-setting vacations to the fanciest parts of everywhere."

"Besides, there's still the rest of Batman's entourage" said Pamela. "I hear that there's a Batwoman now."

"I met her," said Selina. "She's a little rough around the edges. Speaks sharply, great hair."

"She's a brute," said Hatter. "Fights like a rhino"

"That's all we need," sighed Nigma. "More halfwit heroes who think they can punch this city into solutions. Batgirl at least has a head on her shoulders, even if she's wasting it on beating up thugs."

Selina smiled. "What, Eggy, you looking for a junior sidekick?"

"Hardly. Kids like her should be studying law, or physics, or getting rich off inventions. That is how intelligent people should be living their lives. Let the morons wrestle in the dust while we live a better life. That's how it should work, even if it doesn't."

"I need to cut you off there, Riddles. We don't rant on game night."

Edward Nigma glared at Harley for a moment before he saw Pamela's protective stare. "I suppose you are correct, Miss Quinzel. Thank you."

“Roll for initiative” said Selina.

* * *

 

Eventually the game concluded, and Selina folded up the board. The conversation had shifted to world domination, as it often did.

“I would never want to rule the world,” insisted Jervis. “A small island nation would be more than sufficient. I could do some caucus racing.”

“I doubt that we have the temperament to govern an elementary school,” said Crane.

“You’re just imagining it wrong,” said Edward. “Prancing around in a crown makes you a target. I’ll just say the right words to the right people and BAM, everything happens how I want it.”

“AMATUERS!” said Harley. The three boys blinked. Quin usually tuned them out when villain talks progressed beyond who would fight whom.

Harlenne continued. “People will always have a reactionary response to the introduction of noticeable stimuli. When that stimulus inhibits their perceived agency, the reaction is almost invariably resistance. Your plans all fall apart because you go in guns blazing.”

“None of us use-“

“That’s not what I meant,” Harley waved away Crane’s pedantic objection. “All three of you get caught because you’re not subtle.”

Selina chuckled. “You’re one to talk subtle, Quin.”

“I know, sneaking’s not my forte. But you know what’s real quiet?” Harley indicated Pamela. “Plants. You never hear ‘em coming.”

“What’s especially useful,” said Ivy, “Is that you depend on plant life for oxygen. But what if plants started making something else?”

Hatter started thumbing his shirt collar. Scarecrow was suddenly absorbed in cleaning his glasses. Catwoman was looking in her bag for something nonspecific.

Riddler broke the silence. “Unless you kill every bit of seaweed, you won't asphyxiate us,” he blustered.

“Do we have to?” said Harley with a malicious grin.

“Industrial cities pump out so much smog. Residents have adapted to an altered breathing pattern,” said Pamela. “That’s why I tell people to take care of their houseplants.”

“Are you saying you plan to poison Gotham’s air supply?”

“That’s a little redundant!” chortled Jervis.

“Not poison. Perfume.” Harley and Ivy had matching evil smiles. The other four were dutifully impressed. “Perfume Gotham with .2% Phenylethylamine and other pharmaceuticals to stimulate dopamine production.”

“The best part,” said Isely, “Is that this plan takes care of Batman all by itself!"

”Explain!” said Edward. Pamela nudged Harlenne. This plan was her brain-child, after all.

“Oh come on. He’s driven by neurological trauma. That causes his obsessive tendencies and a fixation on his own inadequacies. Dissociative identity disorder or PTSD. But I bet he’s trying to combat the paralytic symptoms of depression.” Harley was breaking the rule about ranting, but the others didn’t seem to mind. “We get him medicated, he stops punching us.”

“I wonder if that’s where he’s been” said Crane, contemplative. “Perhaps he finally got the help that he needs.”

“Or maybe he couldn’t get out of the pit” said Tetch, less hopeful than one might expect.

“Either way, there’s still one problem with that plan,” said Nigma.

Pamela rolled her eyes. Typical Riddler, always had to be right about SOMETHING.

“Let’s say you’re right and the Bat does have issues he takes out on us. At this point, he’s not going to just stop. What about Freeze, or the mob, or your ex-boyfriend.”

At the mention of the Joker, Harleen gripped Pamela’s shoulder tight. Ivy glared at Riddler, furious as a bear.

“So, thanks for indulging me tonight,” said Selina. “We’ll see who’s around next time.”

Riddler was the first to leave, followed by Hatter and Scarecrow.

“Wait up a sec,” said Selina to Ivy and Harley. “Listen, I can see that you kids are enjoying yourselves together…”

Ivy raised an eyebrow at ‘kids’, but she let Catwoman continue.

“… and I really hate to be a downer, but you two have to know that you can’t stay in Gotham much longer.”

“Like hell,” said Harley. “This is our home. You and the gang, you’re our friends.”

“Harleen, I’m serious. When Eddie mentioned Joker, you looked like he had threatened to kill your puppy. You want to be feeling like that forever? And Pam, Joker ignores you, but now he’s going to think that you stole Harley. I know you’d love to get your thorns on that creep, but you can’t poison him or fight him off. The two of you can’t be happy when you’re both looking over your shoulders for the clown. What you need to do is pack up, move out of Gotham as quietly as you can, and settle down somewhere. Hopefully by the time he notices anything, you two will have died of old age.”

Poison Ivy had kept it a secret that she had tremendous respect for Catwoman. The thief put on a show of sensuality to hide a relentless sensible worldview. Ivy didn’t like it, but Catwoman was right.

“…What if we kill him?”

Pamela and Selina looked at Harley, stunned.

“Maybe the three of us could do it together. We could gang up on him or something. Hell, get Riddles and Frost and everybody in on it.”

Selina was thinking. “Whoever does it will have to answer to Batman. That’s their whole thing, that neither of them kills the other one.”

“Even if we all ganged up on him, I bet you anything the bastard has some trick. Like that he’s been Kryptonian this whole time. Or else there will be one person we forget to bring in on this, and that guy will save Joker's neck.” Pamela wanted Joker dead more than almost anybody, but there were nagging doubts.

Besides, killing Joker wasn’t the goal. If she wanted anything in this cold world, it was to watch the sunset with Harleen in her arms.

Harley was stuttering, trying to say the name. Pamela put her hand on Harley’s shoulder, and the doctor took a deep breath.

“Joker needs to die. We can’t kill him, but I know who can.”

* * *

 

It had been a long day for Diana Themyscira. Almost fourteen straight hours of listening to the knotted municipalities of men. She had earned a warrior’s respite- a fresh pizza. She had to get pizzas sent to Paradise Island. Along with ice cream and some of those charming moving pictures.

Wonder Woman almost dropped the box when she spotted the figures in the alleyway. But after a moment the shadows resolved into recognizable figures. Two of Bruce’s- charges? Nuisances? The legendary criminals of Gotham were almost laughable to the Amazon. Still, she gave them a modicum of respect.

“If you are planning assassination or banditry, I suggest that you abstain.” She opened the pizza box and let the smell waft towards the shadows. “Instead, take a slice. This way I get home slightly sooner, and you two may keep all your current limbs.”

The two figures stepped into the light. Diana recognized them better now. Dr. Harleen Quinzel and Dr Pamela Isely, two of the ones she had spoken to a fortnight ago. Diana was glad that she had not had to deal with these two since then. Some, like the Penguin, had taken almost a full week to smarten up.

Harleen investigated Diana’s pizza eagerly at first, but balked at the sight of olives. Pamela meanwhile was keeping fixed eye contact with Diana.

“I hope that our arrangement remains intact,” said Wonder Woman.

“Yes,” said Poison Ivy. Diana could tell that she was trying hard not to sound afraid. “We’ve come to make a deal.”

It was here that Diana noticed Harley Quin’s eyes. She had been crying.

The Amazon sighed. “Well then come upstairs. I’ll need to eat some of this before the smell drives me mad.”

* * *

 

Themyscira was founded on an ethos of love. Princess Diana was born from those ideas, just as she was born from the rich clay of its coast. She is a woman of boundless compassion. Men would say that such a loving heart does not belong in a warrior’s body. Men such as those would not have listened when two criminals pleaded for aid. Diana did listen.

  
“Joker needs to die,” said Pamela Isely. “Neither of us can kill him on our own. You’re the only person we can ask to do it.”

  
The three of them sat in Diana’s hotel room, with Diana in the armchair and Harley and Ivy sitting together on the bed. The smell of pizza was still wafting from the half-empty box.

  
Poison Ivy was expecting Wonder Woman to bombard her with questions, but the amazon was looking at Harley. The jester was staring at her own lap, arms crossed so that she was holding herself. Pamela put an arm around Harleen’s shoulders. She was trembling.

  
“Doctor Quinzel,” said Diana, “I would like to hear your thoughts. You can tell me anything, okay?”

  
The jester swallowed and looked up at Wonder Woman.

  
“It- I’m gonna sound like a real idiot.”

  
Diana gently pulled herself out of the armchair. She crossed over to the bed, and kneeling down she placed a soft hand on Harleen’s knee.

  
“It’s okay. You’re safe here. Just say what you want to tell me.”

  
Tears were forming in the jester’s eyes.

  
“I still love Mistah J. I do. I love Pam more, but I feel like I need him.” Harley took a shuddering breath.

  
Pamela caressed Harley’s back. It stung to hear Harleen say that she still loved the Joker. But it was a hundred times more important to be here for the woman she loved.  
Harley Quin continued. “Talking about killing him- I’ve wanted him to die, but it felt like it would never happen. Batman wouldn’t do it and none of the rest of you would ever try so I had to just learn to deal with it until I was dead.” Great dollops of tears fell from Harley’s eyes, and her face was an ugly blotched red. The face of barely hidden pain, childlike and honest. “So I’m not going to be happy unless he’s dead. And killing him means he can’t kill anybody else any more, and you’ve got that diplomatic immunity and you can say I made you do it and-“

  
At this, Diana gave Harley’s knee a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay. I’ll do it.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned a follow-up, didn't I?
> 
> My favorite part of this story is honestly writing Wonder Woman. She's such a great character, and it's a pity that she gets shunted to the side in so much DC stuff. I reccomend the online series "Sensation Comics feat. Wonder Woman" to anybody who wants to get into her comics; it's cheap and delightful.


	3. Greek Comedy

  
“You’re back in Gotham, right?”  
“Clark? I imagine that this can’t wait.”  
“Diana’s going to kill Joker.”  
“What?”  
“He’s in Arkham right now. If you hurry you might make it there before she does. Unless you want me or Barry to go talk to her?”  
“No, I’ll do it. I can be there in twenty minutes”  
“You have five.”

* * *

  
There’s an author that Harley likes. Pamela rarely read nonfiction these days, but she enjoys it when Harley reads some of her favorite bits aloud. There was one snippet she remembered as Wonder Woman left the hotel room and they watched her fly toward Arkham.  
“The evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat. They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word.”  
Now, whether or not the line was true of most men, it did not apply to Wonder Woman.  
The Amazon could have brushed the asylum staff aside with one hand. Instead she talked, she showed her identity card, she even filled out a form or two. An armored guard, jittery with her third espresso, stood open-mouthed as Diana asked her to open the Joker’s cell door.  
“Oracle, where is Diana?”  
“She’s already at Arkham.”  
“Damn it. Can you stall her?”  
“No can do. Her phone is off, and the asylum just updated their network security again. You’ll be there before I finish hacking it.”  
“Understood. Over and out.”

* * *

 

The Joker stared at Diana like a deer in headlights. A chisel in one hand, he had removed a part of the padded cell and had carved a reasonable hole in the underlying concrete.  
“Is that genuinely how you keep escaping?” said Diana, incredulous.  
“Nah.” He set the chisel down and replaced the cushion. “But everybody needs a hobby, right?”  
“I suppose.” Wonder Woman sat down so that they were face-to-face.  
“So, are you here to talk? Did the doctors think that your lasso will reveal the madness of my method?”  
Diana gave a dismissive shrug. “You’re not complicated, Joker. You think you’re empty. You don’t care about yourself, so you lash out and make other people care about you. I solved you years ago. Doctor Quizel almost destroyed herself before she puzzled it out. I think that Batman understands it too, but he has a blind spot for solutions.”  
“The perfect straight man,” said Joker, tapping his nose. “He’ll ask ‘Who’s There?’ again and again, and he means it every time. I like that. He’s sincere. You have to be, to dress like that.”  
Wonder Woman nodded. Joker idly scratched his chin. “You know, I sometimes worry that there’s nowhere left for us to go.” He counted on his fingers. “We did ‘He stops me,’ we did ‘he doesn’t stop me in time,’ we did ‘I kill his friends.’ We even went through the ‘I beat him’ scenario at least twice. I’m not out of ideas, not by a long shot, but it’s all variations on the same few things.” Joker looked back to Wonder Woman, genuine worry in his eyes. “Do you think it’s getting stale?”  
Diana looked back at him. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s been stale for years.”

* * *

Harley took the glass of water from Ivy’s hand. The jester sniffled, trying to calm her breathing.  
“You think she’s really gonna kill Joker?”  
Pamela nodded, her arm around Harleen’s waist.  
“Good. That’s good.” Pam noticed that Harley was steadier now. She was finding her way onto solid ground again.  
Harley swallowed a sip of water. “What will we do next, Red? I don’t think I wanna stay in Gotham anymore.”  
Ivy kissed Harley’s forehead, right at the frontier of her curly hair. “We can figure it out as we go.”

* * *

 

The swish of a cape. The pounding of boots on tile. Shouting and shrieking. Probably threats, but not important right now. Almost there.

* * *

 

Joker smacked the wall. “Dammit.” He rubbed his eyes and snarled in frustration. “Ugh, I can’t believe it. That’s a rookie mistake.” He sighed and stood up. Diana stood up as well. He looked tired.  
“What now?” Joker asked. “Go back to med school.”  
“Well, first you hand that over.” Diana held out her hand. Sheepishly, Joker gave her the chisel.  
“Old habits.”  
Diana tossed the shiv over her shoulder. She cracked her knuckles with a degree of dignity usually reserved for orchestra conductors.  
The door opened again. There, panting and exhausted and slightly singed, was Batman.  
“Diana,” he gasped. She already knew every excuse he would have given. To his credit, he did not repeat any of them for her now. He simply said, “Please.”  
Wonder Woman shook her head. She turned back to the Joker and placed a hand on his shoulder.  
“One last joke for you,” she said. “This one is mine.”  
Now, Joker has innumerable faults, but he does know the craft of comedy. He did not attempt to derail Diana’s joke with his own crude punchline or ruin her timing with guesses. He said exactly what he was supposed to say.  
“So,” said Diana, “If a man digs a hole for seventy years, what does he have?”  
“I don’t know, what does he have?”  
“He has a place to put the dirt.”  
Pffft “Good one.”  
She struck.  
Joker collapsed into her arms. She hefted his body onto her shoulder and turned to the door. Batman look at her, his expression blank. The stood like that for a long moment before he spoke.  
“I don’t get it.”  
Diana shrugged. “It wasn’t my best.” Batman stepped aside as she exited the cell. “I am taking him to Tartarus. If you would, please arrange a trial for me. I wish to have this resolved quickly.” She began walking away, then paused and turned back to Batman. “Incidentally, it’s good to have you back, Bruce. How was Apokolips?”  
“Same as it always was.”  
“That’s unfortunate.”

* * *

Wonder Woman returned to Gotham three days later, and a nervous Commissioner Gordon placed her under house arrest pending trial. By then the security footage from the Joker’s cell had been on every news station in the country.  
When they watched the clip together, Harley gripped Pam’s hand tight. Ivy’s thumb gently caressed Harley’s knuckle. Together, they let out a deep breath.  
That night, the two criminals paid Wonder Woman a visit. They talked about the future, what they owed to the amazon, and what justice means outside of the world of man.  
The day of the trial saw Diana in the courtroom, her defense attorney cool and confident. The prosecution was visibly conflicted.  
The jury was willing to acquit, but at Diana’s insistence they ruled for eighteen months of community service.  
“In exchange for this,” said Diana, “I would request that the city of Gotham transfer my accomplices to be incarcerated in Themyscira.”  
There was a surprised murmur in the crowd.  
“Your accomplices?” said the judge.  
“The criminals known as Harley Quin and Pamela Isely. They have agreed to lifetime imprisonment on one of Themyscira’s uninhabited outer isles for their part in the death of the Joker.”  
The members of the jury looked at each other, confused. Surely there was a catch to all of this.

* * *

Pamela was packing a suitcase full of exotic plants. Harley was boxing up her collection of cartoons.  
“So this is goodbye to Gotham,” said Harley. “I know I wanted to leave, but it’s weird to not be coming back.”  
“Hmm,” said Pam.  
“You’ll be able to breathe better out on the island, wontcha Red?”  
“Mh-hm.”  
“Pam, is something wrong?”  
“Nothing’s wrong, Harley. I’m just a little… nervous.”  
Harley tiptoed up to Pam and reached her arms around the redhead. “Why are you nervous, Red? It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”  
“I’m not nervous about going to Themyscira,” said Poison Ivy. She turned around, and Harley saw that she was holding a small box. “I have something to ask you, Harleen.”

* * *

Diana brought Harley and Ivy to their new island home, and Hippotalya herself officiated the wedding. The amazons showered the brides with traditional gifts of food and household items, coupled with a few gifts from their friends back home.  
It was nearly dawn when the last amazon left Harleen and Isely to their new life Cuddled up together under a rough woven blanket. Their breath fell into a natural rythmn, with Ivy breathing in as Harley breathed out.

  
Some say that life is a game. If anything, it’s a tournament. It uses an ever-expanding set of games with obscure alternating rules. The players are perpetually confused and playing against themselves. Yet it became clear that Harleen Quinzel and Pamela Isely were the grand champions.

  
Summer was on its way, bringing freedom under a shining blue sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how I see Harley & Ivy having a happy ending. I want to do more with Wonder Woman, but that can wait for another time. For now, this is done and I can see how people react.
> 
> Also the quote is from Terry Pratchett's "Men at Arms," which is a fantastic book that everybody who likes that dry English humor should read. Wonder Womans' joke is my own, and it is VERY HARD to write jokes you guys.

**Author's Note:**

> I like writing these characters. I might do more.


End file.
